Thursday, October 28, 2010

my brother, my writing

My brother died over a year ago, yet, I still feel as if he should be here. Like somehow, the cosmos made a huge mistake in taking that loving, lively, laughing brother of mine away from this world. "The world is a better place with you in it." I swear that the quote was made for my brother and others like him. Sometimes, I feel like yelling at God, "don't you have enough angels up there? Couldn't you leave him heere with us?" I've been better on a daily basis lately. However, better is relative word like no other. You can be better and still be bad.

What I've found is his death, and all it meant to me, rears its ugly head when I'm getting down about other things as I was Monday night. I'm starting to pull myself up by the bootstraps. As a person who ALWAYS gets postpartem depression, I have absolutely no wish to be stuck in that state of mind.

It's been hard. I look twice my age now, which will hopefully change back as I keep climbing out of this pit of despair. (Yes, I love the Princess Bride:) It's amazing how a few days can change things. I started to apply this thinking and idea to my writing.

Sometime, I despair that I will never write enough or good enough. However, I've learned that I'm too much a perfectionist. I know, you can't tell by my blogs as I let them slide with errors--but not always. However, for me, the blog is a way to keep up. If I allow myself to overstress it, then I don't do it. See the months with few posts? Sometimes, that's a simple internet problem. But mostly, it's because I'm afraid that no one will like what I write or that there will be to many errors in it. Well, I've decided to buck up and take it like a man. (Can't you hear the deep bass voice there LOL) So, here's me blogging more. Here's me doing NaNoWriMo with my internal editor TURNED OFF. No really. It may throw itself on occasssionally, but it is going bye bye for a month.

What happens? In a few days, I have a ton of words on paper, sometimes as much as 20k in 3-4 days. Now that is a big difference. Three days, people. Three days. What can change in your life in three days? Think about it. Make a goal for every three days. It will be easier than hitting a larger goal a month out and the progress you see will give you a huge boost of confidence to sweeten the success.

I love my brother. I still talk to him sometimes. I still miss him. I cry. One day, I'll tell you about my story at the fair that happened where I swear I saw him. (no, it wasn't him, but...) In the meantime, when you're feeling down, give yourself small, attainable goals and reach for the stars! A misnomer? No. Reach for the stars one light year at a time.

Tell me here, what are some of your goals? What are you doing to pull yourself up by the bootstraps when you need to? Do you write or paint like I do? Do you cook? (btw I love to eat ;;) Do you sew? What do you do the most? Or do you switch it up?

Share your thoughts here in the comments section, if you want. But if not, at least tell yourself you are worthy of these breaks and of success and GO FOR IT!


  1. I write, I fight (I train MMA and Thai Boxing so that's not as bad as it sounds), I love cooking and eating and really excellent wine.

    Goals? I think mine might be fairly close to yours, at least writing wise. Get published and make enough to be able to "write for a living".

    Good post, thought provoking :)

  2. Thanks for sharing, Andrew. Trained, controlled fighting is good exercise as well as learning discipline, as I'm sure you are aware of. :) I took Tai Kwan Do and self-defense for a year or so while working security and enjoyed it.

    I live in wine country in WA state and there is a plethora of choices in excellent wine.

  3. I like to write, I like to connect my son to the past with my writing and work. I also like to write short stories, about the future both mine and fictional character of my on making. I believe it or not, I only say this because I have said that we are so much alike. I like to sew. My wife is wrapped in a quilt of my making. I studied Tae Kwon Do in college and earn my Black belt three short years later and opened a Tae Know Do school in Toppenish for low income students. It last for 6 months before the school lost its funding.
    As for you writing from the heart and not from the editors desk. I find from the heart is always better. I am interested in your feelings and what makes you tic, as a writer, as a mother, and as a friend.
    I have had loss in my life, in a few short years cancer has decimated my family, three times over. I us that hurt I feel for my lose and channel it into my writing. I always have. When I am depressed I write dark.
    Sorry, If I am rambling, I am having trouble holding back what I want to share.