Just because

This is raw form, very little editing. It's coming onto the time when it is harder and harder for me to put away hurts, pain. I have to believe my brother is out there somewhere, laughing and loving, even if not in this realm of the living.

But in the meantime, the safest and best outlet I have is my writing. I have found that writing ballads lets me tell a story, if in short form, yet get the strong emotion out so that I can concentrate on the full novel I'm working on.

I hope you can enjoy this ballad. Feel the sadness if that is where you are at and let it unburden you to know you are not alone... Without further ado, I give you Ballad number 2 :)


Who Will Save the Princess

I'm crying. My heart is broken.
I wish I was flying. But not with this token
of punishment and pain. Why do I have to hurt again?
Why is it me that keeps getting the shaft? When will it end?

Inside, I'm crying. My tears won't stay.
Outside, I'm angry. I'm mad. I'm harsh in my play.
What of you? How much do you care?
You played the fair knight with flare.

Now, you are the one storming the castle.
You're the one letting the evil in to hassle
The Princess and bring out the Sorceress, the Dragon
Of Chaos needed to help deal with the pagan.

No more will she show the softness of love
The tears have poured enough from above.
Now, the darkness shall be the one to reign.
No more will her heart be broken by this pain.

She shall mend this heart no matter how long
It takes the darkness to mend the wrong
Felt within her soul. The Dragon is fierce
In its protection and all is what it's willing to pierce.

For the Dragon has sensed that now is her time.
Now is her chance. It may seem a crime,
But it is the Princess that the Sorceress
And Dragon seek to protect with the call of Darkness.

It is the Princess' ability to love, to hug, to kiss,
More importantly, to forgive, that has kept the darkness
At bay. But now, it is the Dragon calling follow me,
It is the Sorceress holding the Princess, protecting fully.

When fare knight, your heart has found its balance,
When you are ready to stand and not be led away by a glance,
Come and claim your Princess and take her into the light.
Take her from the Dragon's womb and give her wings of flight.

For now, she will hide herself, tasting her salty tears,
Alone, in the darkness, waiting with her soul for the fears
To be soothed, the anger and blood break washed away.
In the dungeons, you won't find her at play.

She is lost to this world. Lost is the girl
The innocence and in it's place is a mural,
A flat portrayal of who the whole person meant to be.
Little will touch her, the outside realm she will notice barely.

In the depths of Darkness, there she will stay.
Whiling away and hiding her love for another day.
The Dragon of Chaos shall fight the evil of her realm.
But in her, the fight is gone. She has held up her palm.

She has said enough. Her heart hurts too much to say,
That it is fine, that all is good, that you can treat her this way.
So, to the darkness, she turns, looking for love.
She is held like a newborn babe by the Dragon and from above,

She hears the words, the voices of the prince and the knight,
but her heart will not leave the Dragon's hold until all is made right.
The Sorceress stands guard with the Dragon, giving all the evil eye,
Who come to hurt the Princess, ferocious in killing the prey.

Fierce in protecting the Princess of love, of peace, of beauty.
She will defy all and sundry to fulfill that which is her duty.
The Sorceress, the Dragon, it has always been the two
of them who has protected the Princess from the ugly hue.

"Go hither, ugly cruel world and stay away from their girl,"
They cry. Quit giving her tears and let her give happiness a whirl
Before her soul fills with hardness and hate.
Let her feel the completeness of love before it's too late.

If it's not already. She's crying, she hurts.
Bits of anger. Small bits of glad in short spurts.
Few will see the truth. She will smile and nod,
Faking her laughter, letting the Dragon prod,

When the Princess needs to come to the surface.
But for now, she will hide behind the Sorceress.
Waiting. Waiting. Waiting to see who will answer her call.
See who is faithful, who is willing to risk all.

my brother, my writing

My brother died over a year ago, yet, I still feel as if he should be here. Like somehow, the cosmos made a huge mistake in taking that loving, lively, laughing brother of mine away from this world. "The world is a better place with you in it." I swear that the quote was made for my brother and others like him. Sometimes, I feel like yelling at God, "don't you have enough angels up there? Couldn't you leave him heere with us?" I've been better on a daily basis lately. However, better is relative word like no other. You can be better and still be bad.

What I've found is his death, and all it meant to me, rears its ugly head when I'm getting down about other things as I was Monday night. I'm starting to pull myself up by the bootstraps. As a person who ALWAYS gets postpartem depression, I have absolutely no wish to be stuck in that state of mind.

It's been hard. I look twice my age now, which will hopefully change back as I keep climbing out of this pit of despair. (Yes, I love the Princess Bride:) It's amazing how a few days can change things. I started to apply this thinking and idea to my writing.

Sometime, I despair that I will never write enough or good enough. However, I've learned that I'm too much a perfectionist. I know, you can't tell by my blogs as I let them slide with errors--but not always. However, for me, the blog is a way to keep up. If I allow myself to overstress it, then I don't do it. See the months with few posts? Sometimes, that's a simple internet problem. But mostly, it's because I'm afraid that no one will like what I write or that there will be to many errors in it. Well, I've decided to buck up and take it like a man. (Can't you hear the deep bass voice there LOL) So, here's me blogging more. Here's me doing NaNoWriMo with my internal editor TURNED OFF. No really. It may throw itself on occasssionally, but it is going bye bye for a month.

What happens? In a few days, I have a ton of words on paper, sometimes as much as 20k in 3-4 days. Now that is a big difference. Three days, people. Three days. What can change in your life in three days? Think about it. Make a goal for every three days. It will be easier than hitting a larger goal a month out and the progress you see will give you a huge boost of confidence to sweeten the success.

I love my brother. I still talk to him sometimes. I still miss him. I cry. One day, I'll tell you about my story at the fair that happened where I swear I saw him. (no, it wasn't him, but...) In the meantime, when you're feeling down, give yourself small, attainable goals and reach for the stars! A misnomer? No. Reach for the stars one light year at a time.

Tell me here, what are some of your goals? What are you doing to pull yourself up by the bootstraps when you need to? Do you write or paint like I do? Do you cook? (btw I love to eat ;;) Do you sew? What do you do the most? Or do you switch it up?

Share your thoughts here in the comments section, if you want. But if not, at least tell yourself you are worthy of these breaks and of success and GO FOR IT!