I've been trying to wrap my head around my grief and feelings to write this post. I just couldn't do it yesterday. Why? It's the anniversary of my brother's death. All week, well month really, without even consciously thinking about it, I've been seeing things everywhere that remind me of Timmy. Everywhere I went, there was a man with his coloring and his age (then, not what he would be now.) It broke my heart, caused my chest to seize, and almost brought me to my knees at one point.
I've become adept at hiding my deeper feelings. Anger leeks through the most, but, as a child, I learned that showing my vulnerability only caused me to hurt more, to have the adults manipulate me. As an adult, I have seen much difference. Except now, I can leave those that do the most harm. So, when these feelings hit, when I start having weird dreams that are sometimes exactly about him, or in a round about way, or about something else serious, I put it out of my mind.
Until I can't anymore.
I woke up Saturday not wanting to face the day. We have had a couple of stressful weeks. No food because we paid off a loan so we could get a different one to buy a car, stock up on necesseties, get my kids beds (two of my kids had been sleeping on couch because after the move, we didn't have enough beds. They had to be thrown out.), and get a steam cleaner. We made good investments, but now we're without money again and a birthday coming up. So, I attributed it to not being able to get my passport, the discover pass, and fishing licenses we wanted yet. But, as the day wore on, so did my sadness.
I think you need to know, I'm not only fairly pragmatic about being poor, I am gifted at making our dollars stretch. So this was weird to be feeling that sadness when I was so happy about the rest. Quite trippy on some levels.
When it hit me, I felt like doing that V8 commercial and slapping my own forehead. See, April has traditionally been sucky months. For this year, if the worst that happens is that I was hungry for 10 days and my kids had more top ramen than I like, I'll be thankful. For an idea of what I mean, check out my hashtag, #effoffApril here in my blogs. I don't know how long the twitter caches work, but I had a rip roaring couple of Aprils in my life, not counting ones like this one. Being hungry for 10 days while pretending things are all right to everyone, isn't my idea of fun, but the others were way worse. (I did finally tell a few close friends about me being hungry. My son found out I didn't eat for a couple of days because I wasn't sure when our money would arrive, and he wasn't happy with me.)
I hadn't planned on writing a blog post, but then, while talking to my friends, I realized that maybe it would be good for others to know. And here's where I come to why I needed to write this post.
Phantom Grief
This is what I call that grief you wake up with because you have to relive the moment that someone you loved is dead. See, while sleeping, I'd dream he was there, his laughter, his irreverent sense of humor, his love for life, his steadfastness, and most, his acceptance of me. He was good to me, the connection to my adopted family. Without him, I pretty much lost them. I'd basically lost them before, but his death was a slice of a chord. Many hurts surround that time. Like not being told of trips for his ashes, and other stuff. So, for me, it's like facing that as well. That rejection.
But, it happened years ago. My brother died years ago. How can this grief be real? He wasn't there last night. We didn't meet up with our kids born weeks apart and compare how beautiful and wonderful they are. We didn't go to the fair with them. We didn't FB chat, or have dinner. None. Of. It. Happened. Yet, IT DID. I felt every moment, every heartbeat, as if I got to see his little girl, hear her laughter (I've not seen her since a baby), and hear their laughter echo together. I got to heal a little bit of the wound from knowing I will never fit in somewhere that he did so effortlessly. That being constantly misjudged and misaligned for things you didn't do as well as things you did, whether you meant them the way someone took you or not, is forgiven and the breach has been bridged.
He loved life. Loved laughter. Loved his family. He was the joy, the strength. I really believe he was the best of us and died way to soon. But, in my dreams, in my heart, you live on, little brother. You are loved.
How can I be grieving him now, as if he just died, when he died so many years ago? Because, for a little while in the night, he was real, solid, here. Phantom though he may be, he lived again, if only in my dreams.
And phantom or no, the grief is real.
My new life, my new way of doing things, is a testament to him, even though it wasn't a conscious choice to be. I am aiming to make my life better, to see the positive, let go of the negative. I'm not perfect. I have a lot of grief and anger stored up from years of abuse, neglect, and rejection. However, my new life is about joy, love, happiness, and getting what I want out of life for myself and my family.
Maybe that's why he's living in my dreams so often now--not grief, but love, joy.
Welcome, little brother, living phantom, play hard and laugh.
Showing posts with label #effoffApril. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #effoffApril. Show all posts
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Days 22&23
I know, I know were at day 25. I've been trying to avoid my blog.
We hatez the new google look. We hatez it precious.
But I knew the pics I was going to take. The same day it said plant a veg, I had planted lettuce in pot for indoors. The night before it said last t hing you bought, I'd actually bought something purty, instead of food.
I earned a little money from Mary Kay. Most went to food and gas, but I did pull some out for beading needles I needed to finish a couple projects, then these items were clearanced out! The earrings I made, but the fleur de lis parts I bought with the other items, did a little bead drop, put them on fish hooks and voila! LOL I'll wear them for author photos. I keep calling them author photos cuz I need them for everything for official bios, etc. :) The crown piece I'm trying to make into a necklace with metal crochet & beads and stuff. I'm not so sure about it. We'll see what it looks like when done. I may have to start over.
The last three are from my lettuce I've planted in a pot indoors. I really like these photos. In fact, may have to paint them...with what money, I don't know. I don't need them for my writing...unless I get a commission for them? LOL
But part of why I like them is they were a gift. The other part, is they are life. I love seeing spring burst forth from the ground. I love growing things. Love even more the growing of things that will provide sustenance for my family. My yard is AWESOME. Compared to last year when I was uber busy elsewhere during this time, it's a freaking show place LOL I have little gardens all over the place, but mostly in front and back of the short ends of our double wide mobil home :D
I have lettuce/peas, etc in place that is shaded from afternoon sun and corn and toms where they'll get the afternoon sun.
Also, our fence is more than halfway done!! Well, length wise. I think we're going to have a little bit of a snafu when we put the driveway gate in. I know we need to buy hinges. or something LOL But it looks so good! I planted a couple beef steak toms and a corn stalk in one corner and will add a few other edible items as well. Trying to make that corner pleasing to the eye. We aren't going to have money to landscape much, but I'm trying to keep the weeds down and raise food for canning, etc.
As for writing, I finished my sort of secret project and am awaiting, biting nails, for the result. And did I mention I finished first round edits on the anthology submission for Breathless Press? I'm pretty sure I did, but just in case :)
I've had a VERY bad weekend. I had a bait and switch type thing pulled on me. A couple of people I know that were/are friends of my elder children came over. One asked to use the bathroom. I said no (he lives about a block away). He asked if Patrick (10yo) was here, I said no. Then he left suppsoedly to go to the bathroom at his house and the girl talked to me. About 15 min later she gets calls from male and leaves. Nate comes home less than 5 min after they leave. Told me he had said hi to them ( had pictured drive by hi's, turned out they were in the guy's yard and Nate said hi, after he said he was leaving to get pop, they hightail it to my house? Ask to use the bathroom? What the F ever) A couple hours later go to use the xbox and controllers and all our games are gone. My husband had set the controllers up when he put on his shoes to leave. This guy is still trying to deny it? Seriously? We went to pawn shops and through some miscommunication on my and Nate's part didn't get the sheriff's report filed. Which is fine, cuz we've discovered movies missing out of back bedroom where he likely climbed in the window, then out the back door which had previously been locked but was onlocked later despite our not using it. (there are no steps--another thing we need to build--so it rarely gets used by us.) Be better to have the list complete. I can't remember which movies had been out and which ones were on the same shelf as the games or were mixed in with the games or in Patrick's room where he watches movies sometimes. So hopefully, we've got a closer list now and can take it to police.
Then some other personal family stuff has come up and I'm tired of people accusing me of the things they spent their lifetime doing to me. So, I've had to let a couple family members go. The one doing it and the ones believing it. Honestly, if they knew me at all, they would know better. I am who I am. I don't pretend to be someone else in front of people. I yell, I bitch, I curse, I defend myself, I don't care who's around. I mean, I do use some discretion. I don't walk into a library and start yelling, or visit a church and start cursing, but that's called respect and decorum.
But, if someone's in my house, or I'm in a store, and my child is disrescpectful, she's going to get called on it. And the people who know me, should know, I don't play BS games. I don't do the manipulation cards, etc. If they don't see that by now, I can spend no more energy on them.
I'm writing (yay!) gardening, and soon, will paint more. On top of that, I have 3 boys still at home who need my attention and not to be sending it out to people who are like that anyway. I love my boys and they bring smiles to my face even as I'm exasperated. All this happened at a really bad time as today is the 2nd anniversary of my brother's death. Maybe that's why I'm ready to let go of people who are willing to treat me bad? Maybe.
So, focusing on happier, healthier things, and spring cleaning in all areas of life! I miss my Timmy Luke, but he taught me to live life to the fullest. I plan on doing just that!
We hatez the new google look. We hatez it precious.
But I knew the pics I was going to take. The same day it said plant a veg, I had planted lettuce in pot for indoors. The night before it said last t hing you bought, I'd actually bought something purty, instead of food.
But part of why I like them is they were a gift. The other part, is they are life. I love seeing spring burst forth from the ground. I love growing things. Love even more the growing of things that will provide sustenance for my family. My yard is AWESOME. Compared to last year when I was uber busy elsewhere during this time, it's a freaking show place LOL I have little gardens all over the place, but mostly in front and back of the short ends of our double wide mobil home :D
I have lettuce/peas, etc in place that is shaded from afternoon sun and corn and toms where they'll get the afternoon sun.
Also, our fence is more than halfway done!! Well, length wise. I think we're going to have a little bit of a snafu when we put the driveway gate in. I know we need to buy hinges. or something LOL But it looks so good! I planted a couple beef steak toms and a corn stalk in one corner and will add a few other edible items as well. Trying to make that corner pleasing to the eye. We aren't going to have money to landscape much, but I'm trying to keep the weeds down and raise food for canning, etc.
As for writing, I finished my sort of secret project and am awaiting, biting nails, for the result. And did I mention I finished first round edits on the anthology submission for Breathless Press? I'm pretty sure I did, but just in case :)
I've had a VERY bad weekend. I had a bait and switch type thing pulled on me. A couple of people I know that were/are friends of my elder children came over. One asked to use the bathroom. I said no (he lives about a block away). He asked if Patrick (10yo) was here, I said no. Then he left suppsoedly to go to the bathroom at his house and the girl talked to me. About 15 min later she gets calls from male and leaves. Nate comes home less than 5 min after they leave. Told me he had said hi to them ( had pictured drive by hi's, turned out they were in the guy's yard and Nate said hi, after he said he was leaving to get pop, they hightail it to my house? Ask to use the bathroom? What the F ever) A couple hours later go to use the xbox and controllers and all our games are gone. My husband had set the controllers up when he put on his shoes to leave. This guy is still trying to deny it? Seriously? We went to pawn shops and through some miscommunication on my and Nate's part didn't get the sheriff's report filed. Which is fine, cuz we've discovered movies missing out of back bedroom where he likely climbed in the window, then out the back door which had previously been locked but was onlocked later despite our not using it. (there are no steps--another thing we need to build--so it rarely gets used by us.) Be better to have the list complete. I can't remember which movies had been out and which ones were on the same shelf as the games or were mixed in with the games or in Patrick's room where he watches movies sometimes. So hopefully, we've got a closer list now and can take it to police.
Then some other personal family stuff has come up and I'm tired of people accusing me of the things they spent their lifetime doing to me. So, I've had to let a couple family members go. The one doing it and the ones believing it. Honestly, if they knew me at all, they would know better. I am who I am. I don't pretend to be someone else in front of people. I yell, I bitch, I curse, I defend myself, I don't care who's around. I mean, I do use some discretion. I don't walk into a library and start yelling, or visit a church and start cursing, but that's called respect and decorum.
But, if someone's in my house, or I'm in a store, and my child is disrescpectful, she's going to get called on it. And the people who know me, should know, I don't play BS games. I don't do the manipulation cards, etc. If they don't see that by now, I can spend no more energy on them.
I'm writing (yay!) gardening, and soon, will paint more. On top of that, I have 3 boys still at home who need my attention and not to be sending it out to people who are like that anyway. I love my boys and they bring smiles to my face even as I'm exasperated. All this happened at a really bad time as today is the 2nd anniversary of my brother's death. Maybe that's why I'm ready to let go of people who are willing to treat me bad? Maybe.
So, focusing on happier, healthier things, and spring cleaning in all areas of life! I miss my Timmy Luke, but he taught me to live life to the fullest. I plan on doing just that!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Day 13
LOL yeah, I know. I started to blog but didn't finish it. Got distracted with editing. My "real" job lol
I Haven't written anything on midnight moon, but I have on the other short. I'm so excited. It's nearly halfway done. I also finished my first round paper edits on the short for the Ravaged anthology. I have to input them on the computer as well as watch for things I made note of at the end. But it's a huge deal I focused long enough for them yesterday!
So, the picture was something you found.... How many of you know of my curse/blessing relationship with caffeine? *battens down the hatches as a hurricane develops from flurry of arms going up* Well, it's in scarce commodity here these days, and will be for another two weeks. So I took a picture of my pop cop. At 7:30 pm Friday the 13th, I found my caffeine!!!!!!!
Now, if I'd found my keys, I might have taken a picture of those...but they're still missing. I could have taken a picture of my glasses too but it probably would have been out of focus. Or I could have taken a pic of...you get the idea! LOL this one was almost too easy. The hardest part was choosing which lost and found thing to take a pic of!!
On April 13th last year, my daughter nearly died. (part of the whole #effoffApril) This year, she was evacuated from her apartment early in the am. Perhaps she should find herself a bubble and sleep through April the 13th from now on! Thought of telling her that, but don't want to add to her list of paranoid things. If the 25th comes around and something happens to my family, I may be putting my whole damn family, including the exte
Beautiful sunny day here. Will have to go outside for a bit. I want to garden, but I have rocks to get today and tomorrow and my back is already protesting. My carpool tunnel and tendinitis are also speaking up. Loudly. I can't find my wrist thingies either. :S Could be an issue. Sigh.
I am determined to get all the rocks this weekend and finish the short I'm hoping to have included in a special line (keep your fingers crossed. It's not paranormal so I'm struggling with the flavor if you know what I mean) before I go to bed Sunday night! And if I can, get my garden area plowed under.
Big plans, I know. Will require a bit of discipline on my part and a whole lot of luck on the universes, but I'll aim for it and see what get's finished.
I Haven't written anything on midnight moon, but I have on the other short. I'm so excited. It's nearly halfway done. I also finished my first round paper edits on the short for the Ravaged anthology. I have to input them on the computer as well as watch for things I made note of at the end. But it's a huge deal I focused long enough for them yesterday!
So, the picture was something you found.... How many of you know of my curse/blessing relationship with caffeine? *battens down the hatches as a hurricane develops from flurry of arms going up* Well, it's in scarce commodity here these days, and will be for another two weeks. So I took a picture of my pop cop. At 7:30 pm Friday the 13th, I found my caffeine!!!!!!!
Now, if I'd found my keys, I might have taken a picture of those...but they're still missing. I could have taken a picture of my glasses too but it probably would have been out of focus. Or I could have taken a pic of...you get the idea! LOL this one was almost too easy. The hardest part was choosing which lost and found thing to take a pic of!!
On April 13th last year, my daughter nearly died. (part of the whole #effoffApril) This year, she was evacuated from her apartment early in the am. Perhaps she should find herself a bubble and sleep through April the 13th from now on! Thought of telling her that, but don't want to add to her list of paranoid things. If the 25th comes around and something happens to my family, I may be putting my whole damn family, including the exte
Beautiful sunny day here. Will have to go outside for a bit. I want to garden, but I have rocks to get today and tomorrow and my back is already protesting. My carpool tunnel and tendinitis are also speaking up. Loudly. I can't find my wrist thingies either. :S Could be an issue. Sigh.
I am determined to get all the rocks this weekend and finish the short I'm hoping to have included in a special line (keep your fingers crossed. It's not paranormal so I'm struggling with the flavor if you know what I mean) before I go to bed Sunday night! And if I can, get my garden area plowed under.
Big plans, I know. Will require a bit of discipline on my part and a whole lot of luck on the universes, but I'll aim for it and see what get's finished.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Photo a Day in April
Well, I did it. I decided to start the photo a day challenge for April after the last minute? Why? you may ask, as I did myself. Because. April has traditionally been so sucky that I coined the hashtag #effoffApril for it. I'm not going to recap those here. If you really want to know, you can go read my blogs from around that time and you'll get a good idea.
This year, I'm going to do something fun. I love photography, but I'm out of practice, AND I've gotten lazy. I scrapbook so I can cut out anything I don't like. Half my photos or better are for painting purposes and I can change coloring, composition, erase, etc anything I don't like and if I don't want to do either one of those, there's always photoshop. See how easy it is to get lazy with your photography? I don't have the best camera out there, but I have a decent one borrowed from my MIL.
I'm going to take pics everyday of the things they say to get back into the swing of things, or rather, OUT of the swing of things since I can't seem to hold the damn camera steady. Here are the first four days, including today's entry:
!st day-a reflection of you. Now, if I had a stash of chocolate somewhere, with a can of Pepsi and some fabrics, paints, papers, etc. I'd be all about that. But alas, the chocolate is no more. Why is the chocolate always gone??
Obviously, just the tip of the iceberg. I took others, but my hand shook too much. Sad but true.
Next up, is color. So many ideas so little time. I went with my makeup:
That was Day 2's Challenge. Yesterday's challenge was mail. That was too easy since we rearranged things.
Looking at it on screen, I kind of like it :)
For today's challenge, we had to do someone we love. Or someone who makes us smile. Now I can't remember, but my family is always a good choice either way. I took two pics. One of Edward holding Isaac, but my hands shook again :(( boo cuz I would have liked that one for my scrapbook, and one of Patrick. Here's Patrick:
I like this one. He knew I was taking his pic and subtley changed his pose into this. I like it lots :) He's been a big help while his brothers were so sick (recovering nicely, BTW)
I hope you keep checking back and help me to tell the past April's #effoffapril as I bring happier memories into this year's April. Have a good day ;)
This year, I'm going to do something fun. I love photography, but I'm out of practice, AND I've gotten lazy. I scrapbook so I can cut out anything I don't like. Half my photos or better are for painting purposes and I can change coloring, composition, erase, etc anything I don't like and if I don't want to do either one of those, there's always photoshop. See how easy it is to get lazy with your photography? I don't have the best camera out there, but I have a decent one borrowed from my MIL.
I'm going to take pics everyday of the things they say to get back into the swing of things, or rather, OUT of the swing of things since I can't seem to hold the damn camera steady. Here are the first four days, including today's entry:
!st day-a reflection of you. Now, if I had a stash of chocolate somewhere, with a can of Pepsi and some fabrics, paints, papers, etc. I'd be all about that. But alas, the chocolate is no more. Why is the chocolate always gone??
Obviously, just the tip of the iceberg. I took others, but my hand shook too much. Sad but true.
Next up, is color. So many ideas so little time. I went with my makeup:
That was Day 2's Challenge. Yesterday's challenge was mail. That was too easy since we rearranged things.
For today's challenge, we had to do someone we love. Or someone who makes us smile. Now I can't remember, but my family is always a good choice either way. I took two pics. One of Edward holding Isaac, but my hands shook again :(( boo cuz I would have liked that one for my scrapbook, and one of Patrick. Here's Patrick:
I like this one. He knew I was taking his pic and subtley changed his pose into this. I like it lots :) He's been a big help while his brothers were so sick (recovering nicely, BTW)
I hope you keep checking back and help me to tell the past April's #effoffapril as I bring happier memories into this year's April. Have a good day ;)
Sunday, April 24, 2011
so it happened again
Another wonderfully funny post down the tubes :( It was extremely funny, IMO, and a perfect light hearted foil to all the drama in the hospital. I swear I could write my own hospital drama from what's happened here.
So now, instead of the lighthearted post I was going to deliver with brilliance and savoir faire, I'm going to give you a not so happy updated and do a little woe is me. If you're not prepared with the cheese and grapes to accompanying my whine, I will wait while you properly prepare yourself.
I have decided the month of April sucks @$$ and I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I don't go off like this often, so bear with me and let it roll of your back like water of a duck.
ON April 3rd, my daughter was admitted to Yakima Regional Hospital. After much procrastination and drama, a surgeon finally looked at my presumed insurance-less daughter. She then proceeded to have four procedures and discovering she has may thurners syndrome and now has two stents in. When she's finally out of the ICU after getting out enough of the debillitating clots to get 95% of her physical proweress in the leg back, she has severe headaches. Well, five days later, she's had a stroke and is having brain surgery. During her recovery time, the anniversary of Grandpa's death passes us on the 19th. My brother's is the 25th.
My daughter's stuff (and please believe me when I tell you that the stuff listed here is the tip of the iceberg.) has subverted my stuff on my brother, but do you know what that means? That means that instead of spending my days releasing a little at a time, immersing myself in my writing, I've been inundated with more stress. Thankfully there has been some that has been happy stress as mentioned in previous post.
I have decided, as I announced on twitter that April is to be given the boot. Then, a good friend suggested I line up the bunnies for sacrificing and maybe April will get the point :D I'm seriously considering it. I'll add zombie bunnehs to the mix for my #zombiesurvivalcrew But something different has to happen.
So join me in trending #effoffApril in memory of my brother, grandpa and in hope for my daughter!
So now, instead of the lighthearted post I was going to deliver with brilliance and savoir faire, I'm going to give you a not so happy updated and do a little woe is me. If you're not prepared with the cheese and grapes to accompanying my whine, I will wait while you properly prepare yourself.
I have decided the month of April sucks @$$ and I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I don't go off like this often, so bear with me and let it roll of your back like water of a duck.
ON April 3rd, my daughter was admitted to Yakima Regional Hospital. After much procrastination and drama, a surgeon finally looked at my presumed insurance-less daughter. She then proceeded to have four procedures and discovering she has may thurners syndrome and now has two stents in. When she's finally out of the ICU after getting out enough of the debillitating clots to get 95% of her physical proweress in the leg back, she has severe headaches. Well, five days later, she's had a stroke and is having brain surgery. During her recovery time, the anniversary of Grandpa's death passes us on the 19th. My brother's is the 25th.
My daughter's stuff (and please believe me when I tell you that the stuff listed here is the tip of the iceberg.) has subverted my stuff on my brother, but do you know what that means? That means that instead of spending my days releasing a little at a time, immersing myself in my writing, I've been inundated with more stress. Thankfully there has been some that has been happy stress as mentioned in previous post.
I have decided, as I announced on twitter that April is to be given the boot. Then, a good friend suggested I line up the bunnies for sacrificing and maybe April will get the point :D I'm seriously considering it. I'll add zombie bunnehs to the mix for my #zombiesurvivalcrew But something different has to happen.
So join me in trending #effoffApril in memory of my brother, grandpa and in hope for my daughter!
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