Tuesday, August 22, 2017

And So It Begins

Hi *waves crazily*

I know, I know, like always it's been awhile. Well, my life has been crazy. I'm getting my health in order, though, so hopefully won't have as many lengthy times in between. It's hard starting over. One of the major things I'm starting over with is my health. For years--YEARS--I've been ignored when asking for help from doctors. Then I'd find a good one, and they'd leave. (I go to a clinic where they serve x years to get x dollars deducted from their taxes, so many, many doctors serve their time and move on.) However, I now have one that is, so far, AMAZING. He actually PALPED MY KNEE. That is to say, he touched it and the shin of the leg that is in so much pain since my sledding accident.

He took xrays. I have osteoarthritis in that knee now. Oh joy. There's a whole long backstory on my thyroid issues, weight, this knee issues that would take ten blogs. Suffice it to say, if doctor's hadn't ignored me just to say "You're fat." then I would likely not have this issue, or at least not this bad. But even before I saw this new doctor, I was determined to be healthier and started to swim. Just under two years ago, I weighed 300 pounds. I didn't look like 300, more like 250 because I stayed active, but I was. Even a few pounds over. They changed my meds, and I lost a lot of weight. They changed them again, lost more, without trying.

I decided to try...and was stuck. My thyroid levels were so low (.o3 where low side of normal is .34) that I basically had zero metabolism. Late June, they are .1 so getting somewhere, but still slow. Imagine trying to lose weight and get in shape with essentially no metabolism, or as now, very little. It's hard. I have an end goal of 180...and maybe 160...

I am struggling with that as every day I don't have 1k calorie deficit, I don't lose weight. It's a serious struggle. I've given the overview here, and I'm going to do regular updates as part of my blogging now.

Why? you might ask as it's a publishing/writing/painting blog...because, our health is part of our ability to think, to create, and part of our struggle. Low metabolism makes it harder to meet deadlines, to stay awake for normal hours, to find the energy to even go buy the materials, learn new things, market, etc. It affects every aspect of our lives. I believe other creatives are dealing with health struggles and need to know that others are out there who understand.

I am determined to get myself back. I have a goal of 180 by end of year (faster than normal because my meds are being adjusted). However, I made this goal in June...and didn't lose weight for WEEKS. I swam, started aerobics, etc. I wasn't eating enough it turned out. I started using myfitnesspal and mapmyrun and started doing c25k (loads of fun when your knee hurts like hell!). Weight came off for two weeks. I was down to 249. Then I went camping at an SCA event. Gained 9 pounds, despite NOT going over calorie goal (you know, the one on fitness pal they say is for losing 2 pounds a week...that one?), and Two of the three days, I ran 3.3 miles...which took me an hour as I actually walk/run alternately. Then this past weekend, gained six, despite not going over calorie goal one day, and only slightly over the next day. However, I have myfitnesspal set to me having a sedate lifestyle, which I do not, so it shouldn't matter. But it does because my meds are wrong.

I am working hard to be healthy, and it is discouraging at times. But I have friends, one in particular, who has been encouraging from me at all times. To all of you, Thank you. To those that need a friend, follow my blog. I will try to encourage you, share my pitfalls, my sadness, as well as my joys and triumphs. I am continuing to work hard on my exercise and eating. I have a goal to make. I am determined to walk this path and meet that goal.

And so, it begins...

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Meet in the Middle

I've been frustrated of late. Have you ever noticed that if you try to get someone to quick thinking blindly and look at something from all angles, that you are attacked? Being in the middle is a lonely place so much of the time. You're accused of all sorts of things from being a liberal snowflake to a Nazi sympathizer to what was today's? Oh yes, a sentient fedora. I did applaud this last person. Most creative name I'd been called in a long time.

I do not follow blindly. I do not believe something simply because someone said it or it was on the news. I refuse to let the bad things that happened to me make me a hateful, angry person. However, I also refuse to let those people attack me because they cannot have an adult discussion with someone who doesn't agree with them. Sometimes, I do agree with them, but not with their methods of attack or their reasoning.

What is it about us humans that makes it hard as hell to see the other person's side? That makes us so hateful? I've been fighting with depression for months. Severe depression. Most people only know when I tell them because I've been FIGHTING IT. I refuse to allow it to make me not talk to my kids, to not be there for my friends. But apparently, because it's not a certain kind of depression (like bipolar), it's not real enough, or if I fight the lies my body is telling me, I'm just strong and shouldn't expect other people too. Um, no. We all should fight the lies. Whether it's our bodies or an outside force, the lies hold us back, keep us from our potential. It's not easy, and depression hurts like hell and tricks the mind. But science has now backed up what I've been saying for years--looking for the positive trains your brain to see the positive AND HAS AN ACTUAL CHEMICAL REACTION IN YOUR BRAIN that fights depression. Now, this doesn't mean you don't think the sad thoughts, the ambivalent thoughts. It doesn't mean you don't feel the pain, the shame. What it means is you focus on something positive so your brain has more to fight off the damn lies with. If you need meds, by all means, use that too! Whatever works for you to fight the lies your mind and body tells you.

With the lies fed to you by people and the media, it's not as clear cut. You need to look for the positive, try to understand the other side. However, it's a lot easier to find a positive in my life, even when I'm homeless, than to find someone who is willing to try to see stuff from both sides.

We are led by our emotions. Here is something I wrote today after being attacked and bullied because I refused to get out the pitchforks and torches based on the word of one person who went to the media. The subject was a touchy one, but mostly, this was the last straw for me. So here it is.

The voice of reason is almost always maligned.

Fall in line, soldier. Believe what I say regardless of the facts. Be lead by your emotions. Allow your emotions to override your common sense, your decency. Allow your past to vilify all who remind you of someone who wronged you. Hold on to those hurts and treat others badly because your emotions say that everyone should hurt because you do. Don't listen to reason, duty, honor, and loyalty because they will cause you to do things that aren't where big brother, who is manipulating your emotions, wants you to go. Don't think for yourself. Only feel what I deem acceptable. Don't look at both sides of the equation because you might start understanding and having compassion for the other side, then how will we control you? Don't be responsible for your screw ups. Blame someone else. Don't try to better your life. Blame the rich. Blame the poor. Blame the stars. Blame someone so we can keep manipulating you by what you feel. Feeding you the emotions we want you to feel. Reason? Common sense? Overrated. Agree with our opinion or we're allowed to call you names and bully you until you fall back in line, soldier. As you were.

Monday, May 22, 2017


Hello! I have a guest author today! She's here promoting her latest work. It is hot hot hot. Everything here is PG 13 or less, but I think you get the idea!
 
 
 
I sank into the bath and sighed at the soothing heat. The bubbles were a nice touch too. The water made my wounds sting, but I welcomed the pain. For some reason, my mind equated that the pain meant all the cuts and abrasions were being cleaned. The large one on my knee ached particularly bad, but I’d survived far worse. That acknowledgement drew my gaze to my thigh and the sloppy crisscrossing of scars there.

My property. Just like the animal you are, Master Bryce growled in my ear.

I jumped, throwing my arms around myself and hugging my body tight. My eyes searched the room as I waited for him to walk into view, knife glinting in his hand. The room remained silent except for the racing thud of my heartbeat.

“He’s not here,” I whispered. “You aren’t with him anymore. He can’t hurt you.”

How dare you be so ungrateful. Master fed you!

“He starved me,” I protested. “Sometimes he wouldn’t let me eat for days.”

Master clothed you!

“I was only allowed to wear lingerie. He didn’t even allow me to wear shoes. That’s not clothing.”

Master sheltered you!

“Caged me,” I snarled at the voice.

You are nothing without Master!

Those words hit where it counted. I recoiled both mentally and physically, though I knew I’d never be able to outrun that voice. It sounded like my own, but different. Same voice, but robotic. Lifeless. A recording to remind me of all my failings and everything I would never be. Maybe it was my broken soul, shattered and stuck on repeat like a skipping CD.

“Yes, I am nothing,” I admitted, staring at the bubbles that floated on the surface of the water. “But if I try really hard, maybe I can fix myself and be something. Someone worthwhile. Maybe…”

The protests in my head died, as if the nefarious voice contemplated what I said. Or maybe it planned its next attack. Either way, it hushed without anyone else having to interfere, and I sent thanks to the Universe for the moment’s peace.

I didn’t want to linger too long in the bath, so I focused on washing up, including my hair. Once upon a time, I’d kept my hair long enough to touch my waist. Now it only brushed the tops of my shoulders. The first time I’d cut it, I’d done it to feel like I held control over at least one aspect of my life. When Master saw it, he told me I looked like an ugly boy. After that, I kept cutting it shorter and shorter. I think, deep down, I hoped if I cut it short enough, he would find me so unattractive he would quit seeking me out for sexual interaction.

Satisfied that I’d washed away the dirt and grime from the past few days, I let the tub drain and stepped out to towel off. Until the bath, I didn’t realize how much my muscles ached. Now that the heat soaked the soreness away, I could move a little more freely. It made drying off much easier, though my palms still smarted and my knees were raw.

I slipped into an oversized shirt that announced Do Not Disturb in metallic silver letters against a pink and black background. The contact of the clean garment against my skin sent a fresh prayer of gratitude from my lips at the luck that landed clothes in my lap. Clothes that covered me. Clothes that didn’t leave me bare to the prying, leering eyes of strangers. I pushed away the thought before it towed me under into my shadows like a riptide and slipped on a pair of clean panties, then opened the door.

Voices met me. One of them male.

A lump formed in my throat as I stood just inside the door of the bathroom, holding my breath as I strained to listen. Was Master out of the hospital already? Had he found out where I was? Did he come for me? The questions and fears raced through my mind a mile a minute.

If he told me to come home with him, I would. But now that I’d been jarred back into seeing the whole picture, could I ever let my world narrow down again?

 

 




 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Well then...

Hello there all you happy people...and depressed people.

I've had an awful fall...with some good in it. I now live in the Pacific Northwest's wet part of the Evergreen State. Good because I now don't sound like a horse when I sleep, didn't end up in hospital or almost dying, and can breathe loads better. Bad because money...costs a lot more to live where we're at. At least my family is together again.

I've been depressed. Severely depressed. A huge portion of it has been situational. Things I don't want to talk about in specific, but lies, betrayal, people pretending to be your friend, being apart from my kids during the week, being gone from youngest (whom I had with me) for 13-15 hours a day as I commuted to the job I found...yeah. Bad times. Depression like I've not known since Post partum hit me, only this was worst. I'd lost my center. I found it again. Depression is still trying to nip at my heels, but I finally have a grasp on its horns and can toss it out the window easier and quicker.

But I think why it hit me so hard, all the above things were happening and I had little to no time for my sanity. Ie art, writing, crafts. Didn't have time for anything. Well, I'm writing again. Pulled paints out of storage (I'm currently living in a friend's garage with my family!) and plan to paint again. Haven't painted in months due to time and space.

I love where my kids are going to school, but unless some miracle happens, we aren't going to be able to stay. Well, I'm trying to make that miracle happen. How? With my writing and art. I've started a newsletter, claimed all my books on my amazon author page, have marketing plans, new release, new covers being made, and am back at the editing job. Plus, I'm going to be back to selling my art. Have been through a lot of boxes in storage. I have found a few paintings that haven't been destroyed with the move (It was a bit depressing to see how many had been messed up) and will be putting the listings up.

I've added the subscribe list to the sidebar here on this blog.

I've put new stuff up in my Etsy shop here.

Point is, I haven't completely given up, though it was close sailing for a while. But onwards and upwards. Here we go!

First of all, let me show you our new release cover of the box set I'm in with some fabulous authors.

 
Isn't the cover gorgeous!! Pick up your preorder for only 99 cents here! You won't be disappointed.
 
PS Thank you to all of you whom have stuck around through my ups and downs. Time for more ups than downs, don't you think?

Monday, July 25, 2016

Ballad of Grief

Thunder grumbles, lightening shrieks, rain surrounds me, the ocean laps at my feet.
Offering comfort, crying with me, darkness soothing as it hides the tears.
Pain, mine and more, tumbles through me, lancing my heart, causing retreat.
 
Energy pulses and streaks to the skies. Loneliness claws, grief slowly encroaches,
Threatening joy, tearing at walls. Each new learning, a wave crashing against the sand,
shrinking the peace, my heart, and reminding how I am so small.
 
But tall I will stand, bending, not breaking, until their grief is tamed, .
Until my sadness has passed into the bleak corridor of death, alive no more.
When the griefs borne before have settled, and solace is mine to behold.
 
Spilling of love with a whole soul, beholding of my blemished heart.
Friends and affection overcoming a lifetime of scorn and rejection.
Gentle return of love, of soft touches and whispered kisses.
 
But until then, I shall stand in the ocean's waves, loving her embrace.
Resting under Thor's force, apart but surrounded, the night holding sway.
My lips chilled, my cheeks heated with my tears, my eyes lost in the storm.
 
Crying hold me, feel me, see me, show me a way back to the warmth.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

My Shiny Bio aka Lesson One

Here's a kicker. For the next 10 weeks-ish, I'll be writing my blog on WordPress to then copy here. I prefer blogger's set up to my non tech mind, but the feature writing class I'm taking is insistent on teaching the other. Which is fine. I need to know both. LOL In the meantime, You'll be getting interesting stuff interspersed with my normal stuffs and things. Here goes first lesson.

Hello my faithful fans and followers who've stayed around despite my ineffectual use of WordPress to date. That is changing (at least for the next ten weeks! lol). First assignment, I had to do a bio.

*Holds up hand* Okay, you peeps in the background laughing, you can stop now. I hate the dreaded bio; it's number 3 under query and synopsis, but I did manage to spruce up my official bio to be inclusive of the instructions. No, really, stop laughing. I did it. *ponders* Perhaps I should send the updated bio to my editor?

Okay, well, while the peanut gallery of peeps who know me well get their laughter under control because I am forced once again to write a bio, you can all enjoy my freshly minted bio without waiting.

My biography: Leona Bushman goes by many names, but the most well-known one is superhero. She earned this name from preventing authors from annihilating whole words with the touch of the button and saving a dragon from a knight—and yes both are as hard as they sound—all from her home in Washington. The dragons taught their queen how to write, and Queen Leona hasn't looked back, even when her muse tries to muck things up.

She lives with her husband and kids in a constant state of creativity from painting to writing to quilting—when she's not camping or visiting the ocean. She can be found goofing off and loving dragons and other creatures of the supernatural at these places:
Twitter: @L_Bushman
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AuthorLeonaBushman https://www.facebook.com/LeonaBushmanArtisteExtraordinaire/

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Gini and Solace

Today I have a special guest :D Please join me in welcoming the author of Solace, Gini Rifkin!!










 






Solace




Fae

Warriors Book 1




Gini Rifkin









Sexy Sci/Fi

Fantasy Romance




The Wild

Rose Press/248 pages














Can a six-foot-tall female Fae

Warrior from another realm, and a hunky ready for action ex-Army Ranger save

the earth from invasion?  













Solace Goodeve, one of Mother

Nature’s favorite Fae Warriors, is assigned to Earth to help save the planet.

Reptile invaders, disguising themselves as humans, are waging a takeover—and

Mother is mad enough to eat asteroids. Solace is ready to prove herself as a

warrior, but having a human for a partner is not in her battle plan—even if the

man is rugged, ripped, and ready for action.



Army Ranger, Tanner Jackson, has seen his share of black op missions. The last

one took a toll on both body and soul. Tanner isn’t looking for love, even

though his new partner is six-foot-tall and drop dead gorgeous. However, after

Solace shows him a new meaning to working undercover, he may have to reconsider

that possibility.



As the Reps plan to sabotage NOAA, Tanner and Solace must learn to trust one

another. But as they're trying to save the world, Solace and Tanner might just

lose their hearts—and that takes the most courage of all.














Buy Links:  


Amazon   

B&N   

The Wild Rose Press  

Google Books


















Excerpt:




There must

be some mistake. The man striding toward her couldn’t be Tanner Jackson.

Dressed in a black t-shirt, camo cargo pants, and rugged lace up boots, he

looked ready for a special ops mission, not a day of wrestling with figures and

scientific data. Tall and well-muscled, he appeared rock solid, like he

belonged in the age of Athena. In fact, he seemed so overwhelmingly masculine,

she worried he might not be human. That gave her pause. Had the Reps already

established a man on the inside?
























About the Author:




Greetings...I

live in beautiful Colorado with my chaotic herd of abandoned farm animals. My

friends and family keep me sane, and writing keeps me hungry to learn new

things even as I research times gone by. 




When you

open a book and turn the pages, you breathe life into the characters and set

them free. My stories are adventurous romance, past, present, and into the

future, sometimes with a bit of magic or fantasy, but always with a happy

ending.






Please visit me at
www.ginirifkin.com or http://ginirifkin.blogspot.com











If I don't

see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture (or the hat store).

 

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