Days 22&23

I know, I know were at day 25. I've been trying to avoid my blog.

We hatez the new google look. We hatez it precious.

But I knew the pics I was going to take. The same day it said plant a veg, I had planted lettuce in pot for indoors. The night before it said last t hing you bought, I'd actually bought something purty, instead of food.

 I earned a little money from Mary Kay. Most went to food and gas, but I did pull some out for beading needles I needed to finish a couple projects, then these items were clearanced out! The earrings I made, but the fleur de lis parts I bought with the other items, did a little bead drop, put them on fish hooks and voila! LOL I'll wear them for author photos. I keep calling them author photos cuz I need them for everything for official bios, etc. :) The crown piece I'm trying to make into a necklace with metal crochet & beads and stuff. I'm not so sure about it. We'll see what it looks like when done. I may have to start over.

The last three are from my lettuce I've planted in a pot indoors. I really like these photos. In fact, may have to paint them...with what money, I don't know. I don't need them for my writing...unless I get a commission for them? LOL

But part of why I like them is they were a gift. The other part, is they are life. I love seeing spring burst forth from the ground. I love growing things. Love even more the growing of things that will provide sustenance for my family. My yard is AWESOME. Compared to last year when I was uber busy elsewhere during this time, it's a freaking show place LOL I have little gardens all over the place, but mostly in front and back of the short ends of our double wide mobil home :D
I have lettuce/peas, etc in place that is shaded from afternoon sun and corn and toms where they'll get the afternoon sun.

Also, our fence is more than halfway done!! Well, length wise. I think we're going to have a little bit of a snafu when we put the driveway gate in. I know we need to buy hinges. or something LOL But it looks so good! I planted a couple beef steak toms and a corn stalk in one corner and will add a few other edible items as well. Trying to make that corner pleasing to the eye. We aren't going to have money to landscape much, but I'm trying to keep the weeds down and raise food for canning, etc.

As for writing, I finished my sort of secret project and am awaiting, biting nails, for the result. And did I mention I finished first round edits on the anthology submission for Breathless Press? I'm pretty sure I did, but just in case :)

I've had a VERY bad weekend. I had a bait and switch type thing pulled on me. A couple of people I know that were/are friends of my elder children came over. One asked to use the bathroom. I said no (he lives about a block away). He asked if Patrick (10yo) was here, I said no. Then he left suppsoedly to go to the bathroom at his house and the girl talked to me. About 15 min later she gets calls from male and leaves. Nate comes home less than 5 min after they leave. Told me he had said hi to them ( had pictured drive by hi's, turned out they were in the guy's yard and Nate said hi, after he said he was leaving to get pop, they hightail it to my house? Ask to use the bathroom? What the F ever) A couple hours later go to use the xbox and controllers and all our games are gone. My husband had set the controllers up when he put on his shoes to leave. This guy is still trying to deny it? Seriously? We went to pawn shops and through some miscommunication on my and Nate's part didn't get the sheriff's report filed. Which is fine, cuz we've discovered movies missing out of back bedroom where he likely climbed in the window, then out the back door which had previously been locked but was onlocked later despite our not using it. (there are no steps--another thing we need to build--so it rarely gets used by us.) Be better to have the list complete. I can't remember which movies had been out and which ones were on the same shelf as the games or were mixed in with the games or in Patrick's room where he watches movies sometimes. So hopefully, we've got a closer list now and can take it to police.

Then some other personal family stuff has come up and I'm tired of people accusing me of the things they spent their lifetime doing to me. So, I've had to let a couple family members go. The one doing it and the ones believing it. Honestly, if they knew me at all, they would know better. I am who I am. I don't pretend to be someone else in front of people. I yell, I bitch, I curse, I defend myself, I don't care who's around. I mean, I do use some discretion. I don't walk into a library and start yelling, or visit a church and start cursing, but that's called respect and decorum.

But, if someone's in my house, or I'm in a store, and my child is disrescpectful, she's going to get called on it. And the people who know me, should know, I don't play BS games. I don't do the manipulation cards, etc. If they don't see that by now, I can spend no more energy on them.

I'm writing (yay!) gardening, and soon, will paint more. On top of that, I have 3 boys still at home who need my attention and not to be sending it out to people who are like that anyway. I love my boys and they bring smiles to my face even as I'm exasperated. All this happened at a really bad time as today is the 2nd anniversary of my brother's death. Maybe that's why I'm ready to let go of people who are willing to treat me bad? Maybe.

So, focusing on happier, healthier things, and spring cleaning in all areas of life! I miss my Timmy Luke, but he taught me to live life to the fullest. I plan on doing just that!

Life's betrayals

I reposted via twitter the post on betrayal and writing. I'm feeling a lot like that now. I've come around to wondering a bit more. What if your body betrays you? My daughter's body is betraying her. Confilicting problems that keep them from being able to fix one or the other. Now? Her heart is having to work very hard, her leg is huge, and her fever spiked. We've come down to low-grade fever, but what the hell?

So back into the ICU we move. Thankfully, I finished the story I've been working on and had that positive boost today. So much is going on and there are things that aren't for public consumption. But more, I've started wondering.

I know I can take all these negative emotions and channel them into my writing and art. I can also do it for strong positive emotions. I did that post about how a writer's voice was silenced out of fear, but what if that voice is silence because they're hiding from themselves and playing at being happy?

What if their voice is silent because they're not being true to themselves and the lie is closing their mind from the artistic side in charge of writing? Should you allow people to live in that false reality. My daughter is young. Her body is compensating for all the radical problems, but what if it quits? It's something I have to face. Despite the specialists and consults and new opinions no one can fix her. The doctors and nurses are worried about her and want to make her better.

They're trying hard, even thinking outside of the box. But what about the extended family? How do you make them face the fact that modern medicine, with all its miracles, doesn't have the answers. Do I let them hide behind their anger and belief that a bigger hospital will help, or do we tell them the truth that nothing can be done and her system is failing and they have no reason for it?

There's some hope that she'll recover. She's young... that's the best thing she has going for her at this point. Is it a betrayal or is it looking at things in the best light to maintain hope?

Does false happiness by necessity cut us off from certain parts of our brain so we can function? From creativity? I don't know.

What I do know is that I hope that I never get so false to myself and how I feel that I can't write. Or write honestly. It would suck to have to write what someone else wanted instead of what's in my heart. I don't mean edits. I mean told to write happy sappy when I wanted to write horror.

Write. Write. Write. Write what you love, what your heart feels. Don't hide behind falseness.

Betrayal and Writing

We've all experienced it on some level. Our friend/spouse/family memeber betrays us. It can be anything from telling an embarrassing story in public to allowing another person to come between you and getting hurt by things said and done as a result. This would include cheating spouses and the like obviously.

As you have probably noticed by my morbid and sad ballads, I have felt some of this betrayal as of late. It is human betrayal. Being a writer helps me to put a spin on it and incorporate it into something constructive. It can make a writer's work extremely powerful and the person reading it will get sucked up in the emotions with you.

My Ballad to Screwed Up Love touched a lot of people. Some commented, but more told me via twitter, or in person. We've all been there. Someone else comes into a loved one's life, and through their influence you are hurt. Whether it's because they cancel on you when you were looking forward to going to that game with them, or they quit communicating the way they used to, the change is hard.

What happens when the betrayal isn't a 'human' betrayal. Like death. I recently lost a stepdad that I didn't know extremely well since he lived across the country. However, the times I've been with him he was kind, strong, and supportive.

History: I'm adoptive. My birth mother freaked out when I was young (I believe she had post-partem depression which was rarely recognized 30 years ago) and ended up working in a casino in another state. There she met this guy. He turned her life around and they came back and tried to do right by her kids, less than a year later. To me, that's a HUGE turn around. He was good. (The State said no, so sorry, too bad for you, and let us grow up believing our mother never cared enough. My one sister is still so full of hatred, she can't hear it and let the knowledge help her heal. The STATE needs to be shot over some of the shit they pulled re my and my siblings adoption and how it was handled.)

She has been with him ever since. Thirty years. Now he is dead. This kind, gentle man suffered so much at the end. He was diabetic and suffered all the worst things that happens to those with bad diabetes-blindness, loss of limbs, gangrene, and the list goes on. And now he's dead. It feels like a betrayal to have someone good be gone early.

My brother died just under two years ago. He was the best of us (which I think I've said before :) and he went first. Why?

When bad things happen to good people, don't you feel like it's a betrayal? But from who God? The fates? The universe? In some ways, that kind of betrayal is harder to work through.

I write. I paint. I do a lot of things. I hug my children more. The emotions brought on by death are powerful, strong, and deep. Use them. Use them to write better, to give more emotion to each word in your manuscript. Words are power. They can heal, wound, and even kill. As a writer, we have the power to move people when they let us into their life. As a writer, we are given a special tool for dealing with harsh emotions. Use it to impact others, but also heal yourself. Use that gift to help you not only get through the emotions yourself, but anyone else going through it with you.

Recently, I've seen a writer's voice be stifled, if not silenced, because they were 'writing' for approval. They were worried about not offending someone. The work that is then done, is weakened, watered down and loses its impact on the reader. It also loses the ability to touch the author and help them heal.

Whether it's a strong emotion you are working out by your writing, or a piece of your story that you need to write for your character, worrying about the approval of others will only stifle your voice, cause you to lose creativity, and you get stress out constantly wondering if it's okay to write that. NO, NO, NO!! The buck stops here!

Not only am I going to quit worrying about the myriad of people who will see my writing, I'm going to write how I feel and I'm going to do my best to impact those around me, those who read my words. I dare you to do the same. In return, anyone who needs a partner in this, from being held accountable, to beta reading, I will do it. For anyone who comments here or emails me, I will be there with them as they are truthful to themselves, their story, and their emotions.

I will critique the story to make it a better story, not a watered down version of what could be. Honest, helpful critiquing. I will let you bounce ideas off me as you work out situations. I ask, in return, that you do the same for me. Don't let me chicken out and water down a powerful scene because of fear of what someone else might think.

The comments I get on here, that let me know about typos and ask about the meaning (like Hope's recent comment *waves hi :) are awesome. It may be out of context issues, but it makes me go LOOK and make sure that it is explained well in context and that I haven't skipped something vital because I, as the all knowing goddess of my book, already knew it!

Seriously, who is with me? Who will help us writers to bring back the power of our words!

Who is up for the dare? Who feels challenged enough to face the fear and get back to writing with impact?